In planning adventures for our family, we always tried to make the adventures age appropriate. I remember our first white water rafting experience. Our kids were probably between the ages of five and nine years old. We were on vacation in Idaho and the “white water” was more of a slow shallow river, as it was tailored to young families. But at their age it was exciting and the raft company did a great job of making it seem more wild and dangerous than it really was. They praised the kids for paddling hard over the “rapids” and let them hang in life jackets over the side of the raft, in the shallow area and take a little swim in the river. When the kids were teenagers, we were on vacation in Colorado and we actually went real white water rafting in the Royal Gorge. Now that was real excitement and because we started things like that when they were young, they were always game to go bigger. On vacations we always looked for new experiences and have done everything from snorkeling, skiing, scuba diving to train rides, hiking, camping, and kayaking, dancing and fossil hunting. When my son was a senior in High School and my daughter was a sophomore in High School and their older sister had just started college, we agreed to have a German foreign exchange student stay with us for the year. My Ben was 18, Lukas from Germany was 17 and my Jenny was 16. They got along great and the entire situation was perfect in hindsight. This was a fabulous 
experience for many reasons, but one of my fondest memories is when we took the three of them to the Florida Keys for Spring break. We rented a two bedroom condo on the beach at a resort. It had great sand beaches, nice pools and restaurants and a large pier for fishing. We brought the blender along for smoothies to save some cash and the condo had a kitchen so we could do some of the cooking for this crowd, because it seemed like they ate constantly. We had driven down so we had our vehicle and we had gone sailing, snorkeling and every evening we went to the Lorelei across the street to eat appetizers and have drinks at the sunset celebration. It was a good time. The kids always stayed up later than us sitting on the beach in front of the condo or playing games and talking. My husband and I were sound asleep one night in our beach condo, when all of a sudden the bedroom door burst open and almost went through the other wall. It was Ben, Jenny and Lukas all talking at the same time. They were loud and excited and their initial busting in almost caused us a heart attack. I finally realized in my sleepiness, which quickly went away with the adrenaline pumping through my veins that they were excited fun, not excited, call 911 because something bad happened. As we heard them talking all at once as excited as anyone should ever be allowed, they were all repeating “we caught a freaking shark.” Finally, it registered as they were shoving their cell phones at us showing pictures of the shark they had caught on the fishing pier at our resort. I grabbed my glasses and took Ben’s phone and sure enough there it was, 
Jenny holding up a small shark by the tail. As I looked at the picture closer I could see it was curling its head up towards her hands. I said, “Was it trying to bite you?” All of them answered almost in unison, “Yes, it was trying to bite us the whole time”. They said they caught it on a frozen shrimp from the freezer. I looked at the clock and it was after 2 a.m. Had they not learned anything from their favorite movie—Jaws? Who fishes from an Ocean pier at 2 in the morning? After looking at their pictures and hearing the whole story about the big scary catch and how they were using the Muskie fishing rod they had brought from Minnesota, tied to the top of the Yukon, I could not help but be proud of their craziness and a little scared about their good judgment. We heard how they each held the shark and took a picture for Facebook and to send to their friends, and how they had to hurry with the pictures so they could safely release it. None of my kids were ever in any serious trouble, but these kinds of shenanigans were commonplace and added to all of our fun and our family stories. I have never regretted the money and time we spent on doing fun things and vacations. 
Category: Raising Kids
Let Your Children Play with Matches
“Quality time” with our kids is overstated and overrated. Did anyone ever ask the kids how much time they want to spend with us? Who said that we as parents should play every game with our kids and take every nature walk with them? Now don’t get me wrong, we should spend time with our kids, but not all of their free time should be consumed by us. They need time on their own and time with their peers. Do you remember your parents hovering over your every move? I don’t and I wouldn’t have wanted them to.
I remember when I was young I’d be gone for hours and sometimes most of the day with neighbor kids or just my brothers and sister. We built forts and went exploring. Once we tried to build a raft and float it on the shallow creek that cut through our farm. We ran in and out occasionally to get tools or food, but no one’s parents ever interfered in what we were doing or even came to snoop. We really would have considered that an intrusion.
We knew they were there if we got into any trouble but they went about their business and we went about ours. We knew the big rules, such as no one could do anything to harm someone else or someone else’s property. We hung out with a group of neighbors and cousins with kids that varied in age. We were much better, back then, at being inclusive rather than exclusive. We never seemed to get into any real trouble. We occasionally got hurt, but nothing serious. We occasionally broke things, but nothing irreplaceable. We learned to make good decisions, to be self reliant and careful. It built our self esteem and prepared us for the bigger world.
Now it seems as if we don’t allow our kids enough time to explore the world without us. It occurred to me one day when my kids were planning a trek into the woods behind our house. They had water bottles, a flashlight (even though it was the middle of the day), some snacks and a bucket for nature finds. I said this looks good, what are we going to look for? They all looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language and in the silence I could read their faces. They didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but they clearly had not planned on inviting me. Inviting an adult took away the adventure and the uncertainty. It took away the excitement. I gracefully backed out and said, “oh, I forgot I have to fold the socks,” and they all smiled and said, “yeah, maybe next time,” and ran off. Kids sometimes just need other kids. How else will they learn independence and self reliance? They need room to make small mistakes before they are allowed the big decisions.
I heard on the news a while ago about a house burning down because of children playing with matches. The children seemed to be too old to be setting a house on fire by playing with matches. I got to thinking. I know that a preoccupation with fire can be a sign of abuse in children. I also know from growing up and from being on enough camp outs that fire is a fascinating thing for anyone. We all poke and dig at the campfire and try to cook things over it. We all like starting the fire. Kids are no different. However, if they have never been allowed to touch matches or lighters, the fascination becomes even more intense. Back on the farm we used to be able to burn our paper trash. We were responsible for this at a fairly young age. Our parents had taught us that fire was hot and then trusted us to be careful with the matches and burning the trash. I decided one day that I didn’t want my children to be 16 years old and not know how to respect fire or worse yet, be 10 years old and be so fascinated with it that they had to secretly try matches and maybe end up burning something down. One day I told my 9-year- old son and 12-year-old daughter to get the box of matches and start a fire in our fire pit and burn the sticks that had fallen in the yard. They both stopped dead in their tracks and said, “We can?” I said “sure,” much to my husband’s dismay, but he could tell where I was going with this.
I told them to be careful. They spent hours at the fire pit and went through an entire box of matches. I never went to the fire pit during the burning but occasionally looked out to make sure the woods were not on fire. If anyone burned their fingers I didn’t hear about it and every stick in the yard was cleaned up. When they were done they hosed out the fire as they had seen us do. They reported back that they were done and had put out the fire. You could tell that they were proud of a job well done, but more proud that they were entrusted with the task.
I have come to the conclusion that we may sometimes be over protective with our kids, to their detriment. We are raising a generation of kids who may not have the confidence to be self-reliant and know how to make good decisions, despite all of our talking. We have been very successful adults in part because we were given experiences early on to gain independence, self reliance, leadership skills and responsibility. We were expected to make good choices, but not every little choice was scrutinized, criticized or even known about, much less discussed to death.
If we don’t let our kids make small mistakes and some bad choices growing up, how are we going to expect them to make good choices on the big issues. We cannot keep them totally protected and then all of a sudden release them and expect them to be able to handle all the choices, obstacles, dangers, and responsibilities of life. They learned to walk by starting to crawl and gained more and more independence. They need to do the same with responsibility and independence. Hug your kids tightly, but don’t suffocate their independence. We need to be there for them, but not insist on having them spend all of their free time with us. Love them, trust them and show confidence in them to complete difficult tasks, even if they are at a young age.
If you show a high level of confidence in them and their abilities, they will live up to your expectations. If you expect a lot you will get a lot and they will gain the skills necessary to have confidence in their own abilities and to make good choices.
Clueless
Here is an article I wrote a couple of years ago when my kids were younger. Thought you would enjoy it.
Once in a while you start to think that you are as clueless as your preteen thinks you are. Now, I see myself as being very good at judging human character and being able to “know” someone in a very short time, but on this occasion I missed the mark. Last summer I was at a large family reunion in my hometown, Pierz, Minnesota. The reunion was set in a park which had the amenity of a nice swimming hole created by a small dam placed on the Skunk River back in the 40’s. Now I know at this point you think I am making this up, but it is all true and I’d swear to it. The Skunk River is about as clean as it sounds. I grew up in Dairy Farming County and I swam in the Skunk when I was growing up and I can tell you that when you swim in the Skunk you occasionally have to push a floating cow pie aside as the Skunk is lined with prosperous dairy farms for miles upstream. We did not mind. It was a great place to grow up.
After leaving the farm I went to college and then law school and I am now a city dweller. I have a whole new appreciation for rural Minnesota and the Skunk River, and I miss the lifestyle terribly. I miss the fresh air, the genuine people and the simpler lifestyle. (I have met some attorneys who could use a good swim in the Skunk).
I brought my husband and three children to the family reunion and my children were immediately drawn to the swimming hole. It wasn’t the cow pies that attracted them, but the four to five foot dam with a pool just deep enough for them to stand on their very tippy toes and still have their face above water. It looked and felt dangerous, so they thought it was great. I stood on the dam to watch my son jump repeatedly into the water and I would clap when he jumped off. My 12-year-old daughter thought the whole thing was beneath her and just stood by me while I cheered my son on. I clapped and mockingly gave a score of 1 to 10 to judge his jumps as if in an Olympic diving contest. Very shortly, another older boy started jumping in, in front of me and then looking when he emerged to see if I would cheer him on and give him a score. Now, because I hang out with kids a lot I know the look.
This is a kid whose parents are nowhere to be seen and kids love attention. So, recognizing the symptoms, I started to give him a cheer and a score when he jumped off too. He seemed to enjoy it and we carried on an exchange as he and my son took turns jumping, always starting with the “watch this” and “well, now watch this.” We all laughed and were totally enjoying the day when he popped up in the water and yelled, “Why don’t you come in with us?” I said “Oh, I don’t even have my suit along.” He looked at me a little put off and said, “not you – you,” pointing at my daughter, who now had that look on her face of, mom you are so clueless. While I thought I was entertaining some kids, the preteen boy and my preteen daughter were making a connection to which I was oblivious. I don’t think I am ready for this. No, I know I am not ready for this.
Mother of the Year Award
As parents we try to do our best with our kids and sometimes we get it right and sometimes not so much. Let’s face it, we try to build our careers and please our bosses and we try to build and keep a good marriage and in the process raise smart, happy, well behaved kids, keep up with our friends and aging parents and have some fun along the way. We have a long to do list and we try to fit in grocery shopping, birthday parties, soccer, hockey and dance. We run full speed and yet do our best to get in those all important family dinners. We are stretched thin in those younger child raising years. They are fun, but challenging. I remember running around tired for about 10 years straight. Coffee was my best friend.
I will never forget one particular fall morning after school had already started and the family was working off of a nice routine. My kids were in middle school and I had the morning responsibility to put them on the bus and then I was off to work. Mornings at our house were like many other families: crazy, disorganized and loud until it all came together just minutes before the bus came and like a miracle everyone was moving toward the car with shoes tied and backpacks ready. As we loaded into the car, my son Ben informed me that he had told his science teacher that we lived in the woods and he had volunteered to bring in salamanders for their amphibian unit. He had told his teacher how they hung out in our window wells on sunny days. Of course, I was dressed in my suit as I had a court hearing in the morning and a women’s business lunch, and even though we lawyers don ‘t always have to wear suits to the office, we do when going to court.
I was wearing a skirt, blouse, jacket and hose, and now I had the job of finding amphibians. I looked at his big smile as he explained his excitement with the amphibian unit, as he recited all of the amphibian facts he had already learned. My mind raced as I interrupted him and asked hopefully—can you bring them tomorrow? “No” he replied. They need them today. I tried to explain that it was early morning and with this chill in the air, the amphibians are probably dug down into the mud, trying to stay warm. He said he promised his teacher. So there I was short of time and a dirty job to complete, while in a full suit.
I was trying to meet his expectations of bringing the salamanders for the amphibian unit, but in my head I was thinking there was no way we were going to find them on this chilly morning. I told him to go to the garage and get a plastic ice cream bucket. I took a kneeling pad out to the window well and a glove from the garage. I hoped and prayed as I gently dug in the leaves and yes there they were. It was like winning the kid lottery. I really did not think I would find them, but there were three and they all went into the bucket with some old leaves, sticks and a little dirt. I quickly poked some irregular holes in the top cover of the ice cream bucket as my son was beaming, not realizing the multiple miracles that just took place. Actually finding a bucket, finding the salamanders, and still not late for the bus or Court were all part of the miracle. To top it off I took a quick look at my suit and I was not dirty either. An all around success.
I thought we were home free. I handed them to Ben and said there you go. Let’s go catch the bus. He looked at me with a big frown and innocently reminded me that they have a “no live animals rule” on the bus. My middle schoolers were rule followers. My head flexed onto my back as I sighed heavily and said some dirty words internally. I refused to admit defeat on this day when we already had so many miracles. No bus rule would stop us from our mission. I looked at him and said, you have to take them on the bus, the school needs them so we have to bend the rules for the good of the Amphibian unit. This morning there is no other way. I put the bucket into a grocery bag and concealed it as best as possible. I made him promise not to tell anyone what was in the bag, until he got to school and not to show anyone on the bus what he had.
I made it clear that failure to follow these instructions would ruin the entire mission and he would not be allowed to have the salamanders for the amphibian unit. He was serious and I could tell from his commitment to this project that the salamanders were in good hands. We went to the bus and I again reminded him of his duty and I waved as he took off on the bus, hoping he could keep his mouth shut and not reveal the contents of his paper bag. Salamanders would be a pretty interesting and tantalizing secret to reveal to his friends on the bus. A difficult secret to keep for a young boy, but he did it.
I made it to court on time and the 6th grade class had salamanders for their amphibian unit. When I got home after a busy day Ben presented me with the sweetest Thank you note signed by his teacher and all of the students in the class. It was a good day for a Mom!
There are so many times as parents that we think we maybe could do things better or do more and we beat ourselves up on the things we did not get quite right, but sometimes, just sometimes, everything works out on a particular fall day and we are an ordinary hero to our kids and a 6th grade class who wants to learn about amphibians by looking and touching them and not just reading about them on the internet. Some days we should get an award for what we can or have accomplish as parents.
Fun Living 